On the Joyous Edge: Parenting Today's Children

Are You Ready to Resolve Your Family Challenges in 2010?

Orion, Nichola, Sebastian, Doug and I enjoyed our family tradition of bringing in the New Year with a quiet dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant on New Year’s Eve followed by a fun family walk the next morning at Hidden Villa to see the farm animals, and especially the tractors for Sebastian.

We all so enjoy our time together, whether it’s a quiet evening at home or an international adventure. It doesn’t get old, boring or stressful. Our time together is satisfying and fulfilling for all of us, as we are all aligned with making things work for everyone.

One of the secrets to our continuous good times together is that we work through any difficult or challenging times as they come up. Because of our shared commitment to honesty and trust with one another, we don’t leave difficulties unresolved or shove them under the rug to re-surface another day.

This means we can truly enjoy the moment and treasure the time we have together. Such a joy! I am so grateful.

To begin the New Year, I am flying to Miami for a retreat with my coach and then on to Jamaica for a week of relaxing on the beach, hiking the Blue Mountains, and soaking up the laid back, reggae culture and music. Maybe I’ll find a fun place to go dancing.

This will be the first time I’ve been to Jamaica, and I’m traveling solo, which I haven’t done in a while. I’m looking forward to the adventure.

Are You Ready to Resolve Your Family Challenges in 2010?

Then I suggest you take a couple of minutes to read my most recent blog posts. You’ll want to subscribe to my posts so you don’t miss a single one. Watch for my Jamaican adventures here while I travel.

Next, keeping reading these newsletters so you’ll receive tips and strategies to improve your family life. In addition, you’ll be among the first to know about programs and fr^ee teleclasses I’m creating for you.

My plans for this year include a teleclass series and coaching program to help you moms improve your communication and relationship with your husband. I know how important romance and partnership are to you.

Also, my Joyous Parenting™ home study program will be available soon. This is an excellent opportunity to learn effective parenting tips and strategies to bring out the best in your child and to have a lot more fun as a mom.

In addition, you’ll be able to expand your parenting skills with my Joyous Parenting Training and Mastery Programs.

Plus other surprises to come!

I look forward to getting to know you better during the coming year and to helping you to resolve your family challenges and conflicts so you can deeply enjoy your family in the way I know you want.

And, when I return from Jamaica, I’ll do a free call to help you avoid the common pitfalls of creating a Joyous Family in 2010!

Today’s other blog post is about the one most important thing you can do to decrease family conflicts and drama this year. In fact, if you make this your top priority, you’ll be delighted with the newfound harmony and ease in your family. Read on to learn where to focus your attention this year to achieve fantastic results!

I wish you and your family a Joyous New Year, filled with all you most desire!

Preparing Our Children for the World of Tomorrow

Scott McLeod, J.D., Ph.D., Associate Professor and Coordinator of the Educational Administration Program at Iowa State University, co-created the amazingly popular video Did You Know?, which asks the question - How do we best prepare our children for the rapidly changing and expanding world of tomorrow?

In this future world of rapidly evolving technological development and rapidly changing global demographics depicted in the video, our children will live in a profoundly different world than we live in today. What these changes mean to the future of individual children and societies is open to speculation.

There are, however, two general approaches we can take as parents, educators and as a society to guide and empower our children. One is to continue with more determination on the path we are currently on – pushing children to ever-higher standards of memorization, test-taking and compliance  to the demands of the state who determine our educational standards.

The traditional, standards-based approach to learning began during the industrial age when factories needed workers who could accurately follow instructions without thinking for themselves or challenging the status quo. These workers needed to tolerate mindless repetitive tasks without complaint.

The other approach to guiding our children requires an entirely new way of perceiving young people and what they need from us to prepare for the realities of tomorrow. The goal of this alternative approach is to empower our young people to think for themselves and to think out of the box from the way things have always been done.

The demands of the future require innovation. We will need leaders, visionaries, and free thinkers with the ingenuity to respond to the needs of a different world reality, one in which the old rules and ideals no longer apply.

Our young people will need to use their natural human talents of problem-solving, intuition, creativity, curiosity, exploration, the ability to think for themselves in the moment and then to respond powerfully and courageously to realities of their time.

This is not something we can teach them with textbooks or standards-based testing. We can’t even teach them entirely based on what we already know or the information we believe to be true.

We are preparing our children for a future that is so radically different from the present reality that we cannot even imagine what it will be like.

To help them develop these intrinsic skills, we must give them relevant opportunities to actually use these innovative, problem-solving skills in real-life situations during all of their growing up years. We cannot expect a young person to suddenly become creative and innovative upon graduation if he hasn’t continuously used and expanded these skills as he grows up.

One of the best ways to develop these intrinsic skills is through real life experiences in programs, such as San Francisco-based Spark , which creates real world experiences for youth through apprenticeships in the community.

Another option is an unschooling approach found in many home schooling families and democracy-based Sudbury Valley Schools.

Other options that encourage individual freedom, creativity and exploration include Montessori and Reggio Emilio schools.

These approaches also help children develop essential life values including empathy, authenticity, autonomy, personal responsibility and integrity and life skills such as communication, observation, and motivation.

As I ponder this new reality of the future, I recall the lines from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran:

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of to-morrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

As individual parents and educators and as a society, we must trust that our children already possess the ability to discover and learn, to think for themselves, and to create new possibilities based upon the unique circumstances of the moment.

Our children profoundly need for us, their parents, educators, and society-leaders, to act with courage to challenge the status quo and to make choices based on what is best for our children now, and not just on what has always been done or is easy.

We must provide meaningful opportunities for their learning, exploration, and growth.The healthy future of our children and our global community depends upon it.

If you haven’t watched the video, do it now. Then go to Scott’s blog at DangerouslyIrrelevent.org and learn more about his ground-breaking work in education.

What Happened to Their Humanity? Part 1

This is a question on everyone’s minds in Richmond, CA, where a group of approximately12 teens watched while several young men gang raped and beat a 15-year-old girl. This is truly a horrific story, shocking and disturbing to everyone that young men would violently injure and abuse this young girl.

The haunting question on everyone’s mind is, “What about the young people who stood around and watched? Why didn’t they do something to stop it? What happened to their humanity and their ability to take action to call authorities?”

When we hear stories like this, we believe once again that the next generation lacks basic human values. We feel judgmental of them and question their goodness.

But young people do not make these choices in a vacuum. Young people choose these actions based on many factors. It is not that they are inherently bad people. It is not that they didn’t know better.

We need to look to the emotional environments in which they have grown up.

If we want young people to act with humanity, we must treat them with humanity. We cannot yell at them, perceive them as failures, ignore their requests and ideas without damaging their natural moral values.

We must walk our talk as adults with children and everyone with whom we interact.

Children will never learn true humanity by being taught by a teacher or from a textbook.

True humanity comes from listening to the truth within their heart. We can help children use this natural ability by listening to the truth within their heart, no matter how insignificant or inappropriate it seems to us.

And by not unknowingly diminishing their humanity as people.

When we as educators, parents and society honor the goodness in children’s hearts, children will honor the goodness in their own hearts and in the hearts of others.

Grandparenting in Mendocino '09

Doug and I loved taking our 2-year-old grandson on our trip to Mendocino, a lovely, intimate town on the Northern California coast. As always, we stayed at the comfortable Inn at Schoolhouse Creek, a few miles south of town.

We enjoyed our hike up Jughandle Creek Trail to the Pigmy Forest at the summit. We all loved seeing the crazy abundance of mushrooms springing up everywhere. The most we've ever seen.

Sebastian practiced saying, "Mushrooms." Mostly it sounded like "Rooms." And he got really good at recognizing them.

The donkeys are at the Inn.

I hope you enjoy our photos!

 

This is Doug and Sebastian with Maureen, owner of The Inn at Schoolhouse Creek w/ husband Stephen, and their two children, Kayla and Max.

Important Cues to Your Child’s Emotional Well-Being

We live in a society where what you do and say is more important than how you feel. Because of this, most parents aren’t very aware of their own feelings, not to mention their child’s.

In fact, we don’t often know what to do with our emotions except ‘keep a stiff upper lip’ when things get hard and try not to let others know how you really feel. We’ve somehow come to believe that so-called negative, uncomfortable feelings like disappointment, self-doubt, embarrassment, fear, anger or grief shouldn’t be expressed or talked about.

Children are born without this set of rules, and they have no hesitation or fear of letting you know exactly how they feel. This is part of what makes parenting so confusing. How to know which of these feelings are important and which ones indicate a potential problem in your child’s Emotional Wholeness.

Plus, most parents don’t really know what emotional well-being looks like. Parents usually believe if their child is smiling, she must be happy. Yet is this really true? How many times in a day do you put a smile on your face even when you don’t feel truly happy?

In addition, you may be missing cues of lack of self-confidence or self-esteem or feelings of being unloved because you believe your child’s behavior is “normal” or that it’s just a phase he is going through.

Yet, most so-called “normal child behavior” is not emotionally healthy, and childhood phases can last a lifetime.

So, to help you out, here are four simple cues every parent needs to be aware of if you want to deeply understand how your child is doing emotionally. Remember what I always say: Your child comes with a manual. Your job is knowing the secrets of HOW TO READ THIS MANUAL and then responding effectively to bring out the best in your child!

Please note: Each of these cues apply to your child no matter how old he is. Also, these are just a few of the more common indicators of a child’s emotional discomfort and lack of connection with you.

Cue # 1 Your child frequently doesn’t listen and do what you say.

This one may surprise you since it occurs so often that most people believe it is normal child behavior. It may be ‘normal’, and it is an indicator that something is not working emotionally for your child. Plus, every parent who talks to me about this problem would say it’s not working for you the parent either.

Cue # 2   You and your child frequently argue or yell at one another and get into power struggles with each other. Sometimes your child hits you or is physically rough with you.

Once again this looks ‘normal’ because it is so common, and it is a strong indicator that that your child is struggling emotionally in some way. Your child wants to get along with you so when he acts defiant or as if he doesn’t care, he is loudly trying to get you to pay attention to something deeply troubling him emotionally.

Cue # 3  Your child wants lots of your attention or is clingy to you or lacks self-motivation to make wise choices for himself.

A child naturally yearns to become increasingly independent and autonomous. When he can’t seem to let you go and take care of himself, something important is not working emotionally with your child. This applies equally to a child who is 18 months old and to a child who is 18 years old.

Cue # 4  Your child seems ‘perfect,’ seldom challenging you and seems highly motivated to please you and do what is expected. This child may become upset when she fails to achieve a desired goal or makes a mistake.

Almost every parent wants a ‘good’ child, but being a ‘good’ child isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. If you have a ‘good’ child who seldom challenges you or disobeys you, she is hurting emotionally as much, if not more, than the child who is defiant and uncooperative.

If you recognize any of these behaviors in your child, she is telling you something is wrong emotionally. Trying to resolve this problem by getting your child to change her behavior may change the behavior, but it won’t solve the emotional cause of the problem, which is the most important part.

By learning how to read the emotional ‘manual your child came with,’ you’ll create an emotionally healthy, empowering relationship that nurtures and empowers you and your child. You’ll not only see your child’s behavior improve. Being a parent will consistently become more joyous and easy for you, and you’ll cherish the moments with your child.

Live Your Joy

Doug and I had a magical, playful time riding and horse camping in the redwoods. We did some exciting loping aka galloping on the trails. Destiny and Echo are excellent at navigating narrow, winding  trails and taking sharp turns smoothly and easily. All four of us had so much fun!

Here are a couple of photos of Destiny and me on the trail. I couldn’t decide between the two so I decided to include them both. When I see these, I am reminded of the beauty of life and nature and the profound joy of living life to its fullest.

Lots of fun, exciting things happening here at Joyous Parenting™ headquarters! I’m in the process of creating my first home study program “How to Get Started with Joyous Parenting™”, which will be available in a couple of months.

This simple program will get you started to have the joy, ease, and connection you most desire with your child, and you’ll learn effective, practical skills and insights that empower your child to be more self-confident and cooperative. Watch for my announcement in a few weeks.

Plus I am expanding my focus to include all family relationships, including your relationship with your partner and all family members who are important to you. My new focus is Joyous  Families. So if you’d like to improve your relationship and communication with a family member you love, email me to time about your situation and what you’d like. I’ll share more about this soon.

In addition, I will be offering a new private coaching program for busy parents who want deep, lasting family transformation in the most time-efficient way possible. I’ll be announcing this soon.

Plus my next Joyous Parenting Training begins in October. Here’s what one parent in my current class says after only a few weeks,  Thanks for a great class.  I am enjoying the process and the chance to hear other parents’ perspectives. Very enlightening. Interesting how much I can relate to things people say. I understand exactly what they are feeling. I really feel like this process is helping me to grow as a person.

This all feels good… so much better than going it without the "manual". I am benefiting so greatly.

So if you’ve been thinking about taking the Joyous Parenting Training, I recommend you make this the  time. Begin now to learn how to read the manual your child came with and have parenting be so much easier and more fun. I’m putting together some cool bonuses for this training. Watch for my announcement soon.

Have you ever asked yourself ‘how to’ solve a challenging situation or concern with your child? This is the question parents ask me when they feel uncertain how to handle a difficult, on-going problem with their child.

Asking “how to” is not the best question for getting new insights and lasting results. I’ve found there are other more important and helpful questions to ask yourself when times get tough with your child.

Three Powerful Parenting Questions

Have you ever asked yourself ‘how to’ solve a challenging situation or concern with your child? This is the question parents ask me when they feel uncertain how to handle a difficult, on-going problem with their child.

You know the experience. Your older child is hitting his younger sister for the hundredth time after you’ve told him a zillion times not to do it. You’re late one more time getting out the door in the morning, making your child late for school and you rushing to get to work on time. Your child defies you one more time and you’re beginning to see red.

The really frustrating part is you’ve tried everything you can think of. You’ve explained, given a time out, created a chart on the refrigerator, yelled, taken away her toys, and cancelled a play date. Nothing makes a difference that lasts.

If you’re like many parents, you may be out of techniques to get your child to cooperative and behave. Sound familiar?

Parents often ask the “How to?” question, believing that there is a technique or right way to solve their problem. Yet parenting is not a science where you do Action A and your child reacts by doing Action B. It simply does not work this way.

Obviously you know this. Your child has taught you this. Yet most parents still think about their parenting challenges as if they are doing a science experiment or driving a car.

Being a parent and bringing out the best in your child is an art. It is a human art based on understanding what’s happening with you and your child emotionally. When you make powerful, effective choices that create an emotionally healthy relationship with your child, your child will naturally and easily make better choices and cooperate with you more. You’ll have more freedom and personal time.

So what can you do to be more effective at the art of parenting? Here are 3 questions you can ask to help you create a more healthy emotional relationship with your child?

1. What am I experiencing emotionally in this situation?

When the going gets tough, most parents don’t usually think about this question. Yet your emotions make a big difference when it comes to actually resolving your on-going parenting difficulties. I’m sure if you think about this just a moment, you’ll see the logic and practicality of it.

2. What is my child experiencing emotionally in this situation?

Your child’s behavior and choices are based on how he is feeling emotionally in the moment .Plus they’re also based on all the emotional decisions he has made about himself and life based on his previous life experiences.

When you understand your child’s emotional experience, you are more compassionate and insightful in knowing what to do next. Without it, you are like a ship lost at sea with no sense of direction about where to go next.

3. What do I want to be the emotional and practical results of this interaction?

Knowing the answer to this question will keep you focused on where you want to go. It will guide you to make a clearer choice that considers both you and your child. You’ll be less reactive and impatient.

Focus on the emotional factors to solve your parenting challenges.

If this sounds complicated, it’s actually simple when you understand the emotional dynamics of your relationship with your child. Begin by asking yourself these 3 questions, and you will find yourself being more skilled in the art of parenting. Then you’ll experience even more of the joy and ease of loving your precious child that you so deeply desire.

Fulfillment - 10: Easy - 1

Doug and I just returned from a spectacular camping / riding trip with our horses. The redwoods were breath-taking and the riding so much fun. I'll have more info about this in my next newsletter, but first I want to share another interesting insight with you from my parent survey.

The second survey question read, "On a scale of 1 to 10 (with one being low and 10 being high), how easy and fulfilling is your over-all experience of being a parent?"

Several parents responded by giving two separate numbers: one for fulfilling and one for easy. This is what they said:

"find parenthood itself really fulfilling ...I would never say it was easy."

"easy - 1, fulfilling - 10!"

"being a parent is easily the hardest and most fulfilling experience I've ever had"

"I would say it's a 9 for fulfilling and a 3 for easy. I have 2 very active, curious, intelligent children who are often times difficult to parent because of these characteristics which I predict will make them incredible adults but require a lot of my energy and attention; they are definitely NOT easy to parent, even on a good day. Nevertheless, I find parenting them really fulfilling most days."

Does this sound familiar? I completely understand how fulfilling and easy can be two different experiences of being a parent.

Sometimes parents believe parenting is a hard job just by definition. In other words, it's not parenting if it's not difficult.

One mom shared, "I live for my family and sacrifice so much for them.  I don't believe you can be truly happy until you have sacrifice in your life.  It is not easy to be a parent.  Just like a marriage it takes work. You have to put effort into it."

Another mom candidly revealed, "I think for the most part, I wait until I'm really burned out or exhausted to start taking care of myself instead of others, and that doesn't seem like a sustainable approach to our family."

In my experience as a mom, teacher, and family coach, I have found parenting children of all ages can be MUCH EASIER and dramatically more fulfilling than most people experience or believe is possible.

They are two sympatico qualities. When parenting becomes easier, it also becomes more fulfilling. As it becomes for fulfilling, it also becomes easier.

In my F.R.E.E.Book Launch Party call this coming MONDAY, AUGUST 31, I'll discuss why it is essential to have parenting be easy and fun. Believe it or not, being a good parent REQUIRES that it be easy and fulfilling to you.

Note: I'm not saying parenting never has challenging moments. It does. However, it is important that parenting be easy and fun almost all the time with rare moments when it becomes difficult and then quickly passes.

You'll learn all of this and more when I share about -- "Beyond Parenting Techniques: The 5 Most Important Understandings that Will Immediately Bring More Joy to Your Child's Eyes and Transform Your Relationship with Your Child"

Register now for this content-rich call in which I'll reveal these essential understandings from my new book "Joyous Child Joyous Parent".

Plus I'll announce an unheard of, limited-time special bonus for early-bird purchasers of my book.

Go here now to register.

I so look forward to sharing this powerful, transformational information with you!

Lay a Solid Foundation Now for the Teen Years

Before Doug and I scoot out the door for a few days of camping in the redwoods with our horses Destiny and Echo, I want to give you another update on the responses to my survey..

First of all, I so appreciate everyone’s responses to my survey questions. They have been so helpful to me and will definitely guide me as I develop new coaching programs and products for you in the future. I’ll be responding to some of you personally via email. I LOVED hearing from you!

One of the themes I notice in your responses is feelings of fulfillment and ease as a parent tend to decrease as children enter the teen years. Even when your child is young, some of you are already worrying and wondering about the adolescent years.

One mom wrote, “I have a fear of the rebellious teenage years to come even though my 3 daughters are only 7, 5, and 2 at the moment. I hope I have the strength and patience to discipline consistently so they “stay the course…”

I think many parents of young children can relate to her fears and concerns. This is a concern parents frequently share with me when they see a limiting behavior in their young child and worry what her future will be if this behavior continues into adolescence and adulthood. These are very real and significant concerns.

Another mom who has already walked this road shared her experience, “Very mixed.....I have 2 daughters (22 and 28 yrs).  They are very different in their relationships with me.  The older one is extremely distant while the younger one is hot/cold.  When they were young (to middle school age) they were both extremely loving, affectionate, close and a pure joy. 

My biggest challenge is wondering where things went wrong with my older daughter that has kept her at such a distance for the past 10 yrs (since she went to college) and wondering if there is anything I can do but wait and hope she comes back.”

This is one of the most profound pains a mother or father can experience. Yet it is not a unique story. So many parents of teens with whom I speak share the confusion and angst of wondering what happened to the loving, affectionate younger child they once knew. Now they’re facing a child who has grown distant and who’s response is usually, “no.”

If you’d like to prevent or stop making unconscious mistakes that push your child away when they enter adolescence and adulthood, this is one of the topics I’ll be discussing on my special F.R.E.E. call next MONDAY, AUGUST 31.

I’d love to have you join me on this call to learn: “Beyond Techniques: The 5 Most Important Understandings that Will Immediately Bring More Joy to Your Child’s Eyes and Transform Your Relationship with Your Child”

These 5 valuable principles taken from my new book Joyous Child Joyous Parent will help you create a strong, more loving connection with your child whether you have a young, adorable child or a surly, defiant young adult.

Reserve your spot in this F-R-E-E call here:
http://joywithchildren.com/party.html

You're welcome to invite your friends and family to the call. The more people on the call the better it will be! Use the link above to share with your friends and colleagues:

I look forward to "seeing" you on the call!

Family Camping in Sieras '09

Here are some fun family photos from our camping trip last weekend. Enjoy!!