Do you ever feel locked in a power struggle with your child? Do you feel you have a lot of power as a parent or do you feel confused and powerless more frequently than you’d like?
Whenever I talk with parents about their relationship with their child, the discussion about power always comes up. Parents don’t like being in power struggles with their child and yet often find themselves engaged in a battle where both sides are trying to win and have their way. Sound familiar?
When you think about using your parenting power wisely, what does this mean to you? Does it mean to be more authoritarian and in control? This perspective believes a parent’s role is to maintain control over her child’s behavior and to insist her child do what his parents tell him.
Other times parents struggle with feeling powerless in conflicts with their child. They want to nurture their child’s joyous inner creativity and positive self-expression and don’t know how to set a limit without stifling this joyous creativity, innocence, and specialness.
Parents often tell me they feel intimidated by the intensity of their child’s power. Their child is so clear about what he wants, and parents feel insecure about confronting their child’s clarity and certainty about what she wants. Parents also dread the emotional meltdown when she doesn’t get her way.
It’s hard to know which way to choose in times of conflict with your child—give in to your child’s wishes and demands or use whatever strategy possible to alter your child’s behavior and attitudes to conform to what you want.
Parents usually fall into one of these two categories. In most couples, one parent is the disciplinarian and the other is the easy-going one who sets few or no boundaries. In your relationship, which one are you? Neither approach is beneficial to your child in the long run so it’s important to find a third approach that provides a more balanced approach.
Repeated power struggles are stressful and frustrating to you and your child. Even if you find a way to get through today’s conflicts relatively unbruised, you’re going to deal with them again tomorrow and next week.
So what can you do to reduce the number of power struggles you experience with your child and how can you get through them more easily? Here are four valuable insights to guide you on your parenting adventure.
1. Remember that you are one of the very most important people in your child’s life. Parents forget this so often. It’s easy to take yourself for granted and to not realize the deep love your child feels for you and the importance you play in her life.
Because of your importance in your child’s life, everything you do and say or don’t do and say makes an impact. This can feel like a daunting and overwhelming responsibility. Yet to ignore your natural influence means you unconsciously make choices that powerfully impact your child in ways you never imagined possible.
2. Wield the power you have with as much awareness as possible. Unconscious mis-steps are inevitable. When these mis-steps are repeated over and over again, your impact is magnified and becomes part of your child’s personality, her beliefs about life, and her feelings about herself.
3. Welcome your child’s unique power. His power is essential to his joy, creativity and success in life. When you resist it or try to suppress it, you limit his capability and positive self-expression in life.
4. Create a structure that gives her a solid emotional foundation from which to grow and become the person she yearns to be. Without an empowering structure, all children struggle with how to wield their power positively.
As a parent, you possess tremendous power to influence your child’s life and emotional wholeness. He needs for you to be aware of your impact in his life and to make choices that nurture his Emotional Wholeness. Then your power struggles will dramatically diminish and your loving joy and ease will soar.
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